My Onam this year

(posted in FB the day before Onam 20th August 2021)

The day before, a journalist called me, "We are doing a story on Onam celebrations, would like to know how it is this time for you?". My response was quick. "I am not celebrating Onam this year." She then quickly heard my story, empathised, wished me well, and promised to leave me alone. A thanks is due for her.

It was in February, that our family was hit by the virus. It kept us in a hospital for three weeks, disconnected, except for the caretakers, the phone calls, the room, the beds, a few books and the windows to a frightened world. By the time we left the hospital, I had lost my father and an uncle, both parents, for we were literally brought up by four people. My mother and I ended up with damaged lungs, an intensively medicated body and a shattered mind. The only solace were my family, my brothers, relatives and hundreds of friends, their words and prayers, that kept us alive, not to forget the doctors and nurses.

The next few months, were a life full of lessons on the pandemic. My mother slowly recovered, fortunately, and she has to have a permanent caretaker at home, both for care and for company. I literally walked into a Long Covid.

It first started with just the pain in the legs, sometimes irritating, giving me sleepless nights, insomnia, they call it. Then it was the foggy brain. My writing and reading went for a toss. Was I getting into depression ? Perhaps. Many friends also fell for the virus. A few did not survive. It left me more emotional than I could believe. I had a long talk with a psychiatrist friend. “A moderate attack of PTSD”, he told me. Couple of months of very low doses of medicine, and I was back into my work. I read. I wrote. I spoke and had meetings and sessions. I was surely limping back to life.

But the pain in the leg wasn't going away. And a new problem also popped up. While I loved doing long interactive talk sessions, I was getting breathless, increasingly so, worse than what I was left with from the infectious days. By July, I was getting blackouts when speaking.

And then the pressure to vaccinate. "Was it safe for people with Long Covid symptoms to get vaccination?" Doctors were always reassuring, but none emphatic. My doctor said, “lets do an ECG and a few other tests”. The ECG turned abnormal. It was followed with an Echo Cardiogram and a Tread Mill Test, and soon I was lying in the Cath lab for an Angiogram. I had three blocks in the heart. Angioplasty was done. Three stents were placed. Almost instantly, I was breathing better and the pain in the leg disappeared. The links were clear.

The keywords of my diagnosis - “Sinus Trachicardia”, “Exercise induced Ischemia”, “Left Ventricular Hypertrophy”. “Left Bundle Branch Block(LBBB)” and yes, the pictorial discovery of three blocks, two somewhere “upstream”, at 80% and one “downstream” at 99%. It was worth a sight to see the sudden flow of blood into parched blood vessels, when the stent was placed. The procedure was painful, but it was an amazing moment.

I had the question, "Was this a Covid induced problem?". "This is my fourth such case", said the doctor. The senior one told me,"one can’t be sure, but Covid is causing damages to multiple organs". I also read a report in The Guardian that quoted studies that showed Long Covid had more than 200 different symptoms and were affecting atleast 10 organs, the main ones being the lungs and the heart.

I continued to gorge literature, something my dear sister, a doctor, has told me not to do, fearing a psychological impact. She could be right! Nevertheless, I ended up with some serious findings. Yes, such impacts are possibly Covid related. Now, don’t ask me how I can be sure. I am not. Nobody is.

Now, I am stuck with a renewed dilemma – to vaccinate or not! I do run a risk, if I were to contract Covid again. But I run a bigger risk if I am vulnerable to life threatening clots or other heart issues, that are being reported on post-vaccination in rare cases, though.

So, here I am, paranoid about leaving home, fearing sitting or travelling in any crowded place and yet, would love to vaccinate and join the “protected” crowd, but caught in a peculiar risk, that nobody seem to be able to reassure me on. Added to that is the sheer uncertainty that I face of the future, in life and work. It’s just not normal for me anymore!

I believe there must be possibly a huge number of people, living silently, not knowing how to handle their own diverse crisis – physical, mental, medical, even financial , with no sustained help coming their way. In remembrance of all whom we lost, and to be together with the helplessly suffering thousands, and affected millions, this time, no Onam celebrations for me!

Praying for that gift, that will give us back our old wonderful world!

Be humble, be thankful, this Onam.