Day #8 (1 April 2020)
ArGoos talks to SARS-CoV2 !
My wife and son are watching TV, waiting for the 6 pm, prime time. That’s when Kerala’s Chief Minister, our Captain, leading the fight against Covid19 does his routine press conference. Watching this every evening, by the way, is the new habit of the people of Kerala, since the crisis hit the world. I am in my study, in the first floor, running through some emails. All of a sudden, there is a squeal from below; to be precise, two voices in the squeal.
“Come fast !”.
I shouted out “What?”.
“ArGoos is interviewing SARS-CoV2 !”,
“What? Who is doing what?”,
“ArGoos, that shout-down comedian from Aar-Channel, is interviewing SARS-CoV2 !”
“Even the CM's press conference has been cancelled”.
I rushed down, missed the steps, then found it, and made it safe, straight into the couch.
“I suppose even the CM wants to see this”.
“Maybe he will get a clue or something to tackle the disease”.
“Come on, this virus does not seem that dumb”
“Yes, you are right, it hit China first, then went to Italy, Iran and then USA, some brilliance, surely!”
“Shhhh”, said my wife, irritated with all that noise. She had in the meantime, rushed into the kitchen to switch off the gas stove. The dinner can wait !
Arrive ArGoos, all smile through the anti-virus attire; one could only see his eyes, nose and mouth through the PPE. His ear was conspicuously plugged. He was sitting inside a fully-sealed glass compartment.
“Welcome to this special evening edition of my super prime time show – 'I shout !' Today, we have done that one thing that no other channel, I repeat, no other television channel, anywhere in the world, has ever done or would ever dare to do ! And that is because this is the one and only “I shout”, and this is the one and only, your ArGoos, live, on the one and only, your Aar-Channel !
Accompanied by piercing music, the camera moves up and down, right and left, pans in and out, swipes, and lands back into the face of ArGoos ! (I shall call this ‘camera freaks’ !, as this gets repeated every now and then)
“We have today, on the hot seat, none other than the Ultra-Super celebrity, infect-or, killer, equaliser, globe-trotter and notorious man-hater – the greatest of all, the SARS-CoV2 Virus!, Welcome gentle-virus!!”
Camera pans on to another sealed glass compartment with a super soft couch, on which is this strange looking creature, a corona like one, bright and blowing, club-shaped spikes all over it’s body, rolling restlessly. It gives us what we assume is a smile. The camera freezes on it for a few seconds.
(Camera freaks)
(Silence)
ArGoos - “Sir, I know that this is not your first visit to India; atleast 1466 people already know you are here, and another 38 who knew you were here is no more. What do you have to say?”
SARS-CoV2 – “(chuckles), I came in by flight from China, and some students helped me come in. But your teachers are very dangerous. I met one in Kerala, she threw me out. I got aggressive; every nation out there is taking me in large numbers, I had a free ride every where and you do this to me; I got very aggressive”
ArGoos – “(looks very angry) What are you ? Chinese or American ? You have invaded here, done all this damage. The honourable Prime Minister of this nation had to even shut down the country for 21 days. We haven’t done this even for Ram’s birthday. This nation wants to know. Are you Chinese or American ?”
SARS-CoV2 - “(amused) Indian. I am Indian. By the way, what is Ram? ”
ArGoos – “(brightens up) Impossible. You can’t be Indian. (murmurs to himself) It doesn’t even know Ram!”
SARS-CoV2 - “(shivers, spikes vibrate) I am Indian. I don’t need to prove my love for this nation. Look at the numbers. Look at what I have done to China and America. Look at what I am doing to even small nations – Italy, Spain. Just look at what i am doing to your coloniser – the United Kingdom. Look at that, and then look at how considerate I have been to India and Modiji!.”
ArGoos - “(Smiles, convinced, sits back) With me in super prime time ‘I shout’ on the one and only Aar-Channel is none other than SARS-CoV2. We will take a short break, and in between, wash your hands with soap, for 20 seconds!”
(Camera freaks)
Ad shows a special message from the Prime Minister asking Indians to stay wherever they are, and lock themselves up. He then washes his hands. 20 seconds !
(Camera freaks)
ArGoos - “Welcome back ! On the one and only Aar-Channel; today on the hot seat, is the super prime time celebrity SARS-CoV2. Once again, Welcome gentle-virus!”
ArGoos - “You have till date infected 9,12,565 people in 203 countries and territories. 45,541 people have been killed by you, even as you sit here. You have made trash of the world’s biggest economies. You have shoved down the drain, the pride of every developed nation. You have no respect for governments or the political class. You have infected both the rich, the poor and even the celebrities - actors, singers, even people in luxury yachts. You haven’t spared even the heads of nations – not even the American President. You couldn’t infect him; instead, you shoved him into an abyss of idiocy and incompetency. Why are you doing this?”
SARS-CoV2 - “(menacing look) Do you know who we, viruses, are ? Do you know that our kind would be millions of times larger in number than your kind? Do you know that nothing, not even the extinctions could eliminate us? Do you know that even by weight, which is what you are always obsessed with, even by weight, we would together out-weigh all of your species put together. Do you know that even as you plan your vaccine, we will mutate to create the next one. And still, you think your American President or your Indian Prime Minister can do away with us?”
ArGoos – “(Thumping his fist, waving his hands, screams) Do not bring the Indian Prime Minister into this. I warn you, do not. This nation will not tolerate a traitor”
SARS-CoV2 – “(shocked, then recovers) Ok. But that is not the point. The point is you are losing it. You are so obsessed with yourself, your kind, that you are losing it.”
ArGoos – “(taken aback, looks sharply) With that note of caution from the greatest villain of all times, the SARS-CoV2, we say good-bye. Thank you, gentle-virus, for spending your valuable time with us. As a parting statement, I must tell you that you better leave India by the next fortnight, and that is an ultimatum, that comes from the one and only Aar-Channel, the nations voice. Thank you. Good night”.
A visibly shaken virus gives a half smile and waves its spikes.
(Camera freaks)
“Daddy, the virus said – you are obsessed with yourself, your kind, and so you are losing it – Do you think ArGoos may have taken it personally ?”
“No, son, I don’t think so. The virus meant it for human beings!”
After word :
It’s the 1st of April, and so...
I didn’t write this piece...
So who wrote it? the nation wants to know!!
ReplyDeleteThe clue is in the last lines...
Delete